An Open Letter to Charles Koch

 

Dear Chuck:

Is it OK for me to call you Chuck? I see your name in the news so often I kind of feel like I already know you. Just yesterday I saw that you are now supporting reforms in the criminal justice system. The story even said you were teaming up (unofficially, of course; you wouldn’t want to be disinvited from all of those really cool Republican shindigs held by groovy guys like Dick Cheney and Paul Wolfowitz) with the ACLU. And I think that’s great! Good for you, Chuck!

But then I got kinda disappointed when the article I was reading said part of the reason you were so in favor of criminal justice reform is because you were charged with 97 (that’s a lot where I come from, but I understand you’re accustomed to dealing in billions) environmental crimes at a petroleum refinery you own in Texas. That same article said the charges were eventually dropped and you just paid a measly little $10 million settlement. You probably had that in the glove compartment of your car. Uh, I mean your limo. My bad. We all know how overzealous these environmental nuts can be when all you want to do is refine some oil and spew the waste into the air and water. I mean, who hasn’t done that at least once in their life?

So it sounds like you are now a born-again good guy, Chuck. Sure, you give donations to politicians who are so far to the right they make Atilla the Hun look like a progressive, but a guy’s gotta do what a guy’s gotta do to get his voice heard in Washington, D.C. I was also planning to give some money to my favorite candidates in the midterm election, but then I looked at my checkbook and realized I needed those funds to pay my rent and utilities.  Which reminds me: Would you by any chance be looking for a good corporate communications officer at Koch Industries? I’d work cheap (let’s say a million a year) and would even bone up on my Machiavelli, which I haven’t read since undergrad school. Hell, I might even attempt to read some Ayn Rand, with the stipulation that you don’t make me quote any of it back to you. Just let me know where to send my resume.

In closing, Chuck, I gotta say I totally misread you. I thought you were this evil corporate monster who only cared what happened to the very wealthy. To celebrate your conversion to the good side, I say we have a huge catered party at your house (mansion, I mean. My bad) for New Year’s Eve. You can arrange that, right? Oh, and be sure to have lots and lots of shrimp, ’cause I can’t get enough of those. And get the really big ones. Also, some lobster might be a nice touch. Champagne also. Do you drink, Chuck? Since you’ve now been baptized into the world of the average Joe, you may have sworn off the booze. I respect that. Can I drink your portion? Sleep on that one and get back to me.

Happy New Year, Chuck. It’s gonna be a great party, and something tells me 2015 will be a good year for you. You might even break the $50 billion mark in net worth. But don’t worry: as your new corporate communications officer I can make it look like you actually earned that extra money.

Your Friend,

Andrew

 

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